One-Two-One: Rethinking Intimacy at it’s Core

My Brave Friends, hang on to your hats, because this month’s duo of guest writers is going to help us rethink what we’ve come to believe about intimacy and the whole idea of “two becoming one.”

Let me introduce you to my friends, Bob and Polly Hamp. They are authors, international speakers, mental health professionals and all around helpers of mankind. Not to mention really fun people to be around.

So grab a cup of something wonderful and settle in for a great read with some wonderful words of wisdom steeped in practical application. I’m confident you will find their words valuable and if you do, consider passing it along!

Intimate relationships can seem like such a mystery, especially if you grew up in a family where connection and communication were neither modeled nor taught. We all sense the deep and rich possibility of meaningful connection and yet the means of attaining and maintaining connection can be elusive. If we only know that which we have seen, we may set our sights too low and keep our strategies too simple. If one-ness is our goal, then we must learn to think differently about our relationships and how we grow them.

Let’s consider a lens for our intimate relationships that can help us not only build connection but can help each partner discover more of their own strengths. If we learn to think beyond simply meeting one another’s needs, we may begin to discover the unique and restoring power of two become one.

The same God who was complete unto Himself placed His Spirit in a man and lived in proximity to the man while maintaining separateness. The one God became two as Creator and Created. Yet the call, the invitation, was that the man would consider and perhaps choose to become one again with his original source.

In a profound expression of His own nature, God placed the human race in the exact same position as he took Adam, a whole creature, and removed the female from within him, so that the one became two. While we read that story as a simple surgical procedure, it may enrich our lenses to consider the act of separating the feminine from the masculine to arrive at two separate beings who live in proximity but remain apart. What remained with Adam and what was removed to create this feminine expression of God’s nature?

The biology can be a clue to the broader implications of the masculine and feminine nature. One maintained the ability to implant a seed, while the other had the ability to carry that seed to its fullness. We could almost say the man maintained the Alpha (beginning) nature of God, while the female carried the Omega (end, or completion) attribute of their Creator.

To borrow from the teachings of LeeAnn Payne, “the masculine nature is to initiate and the feminine nature is to receive. In both anatomy and nature, we see an expression of the God who is both the author and the finisher of our faith. Male and female each carries an aspect of God’s nature that separate is less powerful than the potential of bringing these two natures into one-ness.”

Obviously, a lesser, or distorted version of the masculine and the feminine can develop as we see control, manipulation or domination creep in but in their purest forms, the masculine and feminine nature combine to restore the full nature of God expressed through not only human souls but through the fruit of human connection.

Keep in mind this is not a discussion of male and female, but rather a discussion of masculine nature and feminine nature. Jesus would have fully carried both attributes as we saw that Adam carried the full nature of God until Eve was removed from his side. Similarly, this is not a discussion about sexuality. Our goal is to establish that the life giving and the life nourishing aspects of God’s nature can be carried by different people in different measures. And ultimately our goal is to establish this idea to give a richer target for the development of one-ness and connection in intimate relationships. What if the goal is not simply the meeting of one another’s needs, but the development of a more complete understanding and experience of the nature of God? The masculine and feminine can come together in the ultimate “whole is more than the sum of it’s parts” experience. The one Adam, become two beings, voluntarily become one again.

With this in mind, let’s look together at the kind of strategies that might help these two amazing image-bearing-beings move towards one-ness. This journey to one-ness takes both mindsets and strategies.

Mindset

Topping off the mindset is the essential belief in mutuality. Each partner must see the other as an equally valuable and equally powerful participant in the process. Mutuality rules out hierarchical approaches to relationship and presumes that each partner has equal rights, equal say and equal authority. Hierarchy wars against one-ness. Mutuality allows for both the safety and freedom of all the other elements of the one-ness journey.

Also important in this process is the mindset of surrender. While our needs are an important part of the process, they can be a barrier when that part of the quest is made primary. When each partner approaches with the mindset of surrender each can make the other person a priority without fear of the other losing their place in the relationship. Surrender says “I am more invested in connection than in self-protection and will lay down my rights in order to move closer”. This can only work in a context of mutuality.

Other mindsets that are crucial in the move toward one-ness are honor, respect and humility. These attributes have to do with our beliefs and attitudes toward the “other” and where we see one another in relation to each other.

• Honor holds that the other’s position is one to be valued even when different from our own.

• Respect says the other person is to be held in high regard even when they hold different views from ours.

• Humility is more a belief about your own place in the exchange and allows us to value ourselves while still holding high regard for the other.

These mindsets, then, open the door for several important strategies to help move into connection.

Strategies

Strategies like self-examination, responsibility-taking and empathic communication not only build healthy relationship they also utilize disagreements and conflict to actually build connection.

            Self-examination includes multiple areas of self-awareness. We must understand our various formative experiences with a view to how they impact our relationships. Whether family-of-origin patterns, early life trauma, or basic cultural issues we must have some idea of the lenses and expectations we bring into a relationship. We must look at our lenses and not simply look through them.

            Responsibility taking says we approach a situation through a “What is my part of this and what is your part” lens. Rather than look for blame which makes each partner powerless we search for responsibility through the eyes of mutuality. Boundaries are based on the idea that each person is responsible to manage their own inner world. Without boundaries, intimacy drifts into enmeshment and ultimately a series of power struggles. Responsibility taking allows both partners to maintain autonomy and power while sharing deeply from choice instead of fear.

            Empathic communication keeps both partners aware that they are being seen, valued and considered. Communication that observes and validates the other persons experience maintains a sense of safety and of being cared for. Not simply reflective listening, empathy initiates verbal and behavioral acknowledgements of the experience the other person is experiencing. Even the most unemotional person needs to know they are seen and understood.

Here's an example of a unhealthy dialog:

(W)ife: I am so sick of asking you to clean up all the crap on your dresser!

(H)usband: You have piles of crap everywhere too!

W: No I don’t! And if I do… I at least clean it up. You never clean up your junk!

H: I use the stuff on my dresser! If you have such a problem with it then you clean it up.

W: Whatever.

And they fought and they fought then stopped talking to each other for the day.

Here's an example of a healthy and empathetic dialog:

(W)ife: Honey do you have some time to talk about something I’m struggling with?

(H)usband: Yes. Let me finish this up and we can talk in 5 minutes. Is that ok?

W: Yes! Thank you! I’ll meet you in the living room in 5. 

Husband meets wife in living room in 5 minutes and together they sit on the couch facing each other.

H: What’s going on?

W: I’m really nervous to talk about this because in the past these kinds of conversations didn’t go well for me with my ex. And I’ve tried to just see past it and “get over it” but it really keeps bothering me.

Ok, here goes…Remember when I asked you to please clean off the top of your dresser? And you did. Thank you! However, it has had a lot of stuff on top of it lately and it’s really frustrating me. But I’ve been afraid to ask you to clean it off again because I don’t want to sound like I’m nagging or nit-picking.

H: I can see you’re really nervous about talking to me about this. I’m so sorry. Thank you for risking talking to me about this.

And yes, I remember you asking me to do that before and it has gotten really messy again. I think what you’re saying is that it’s really frustrating to you and it’s scary to talk to me about it.

W: Yes! It is really scary to talk about it. I’m afraid you’re going to get mad at me. 

H: I’m sorry it’s so scary. I know it gets piled up but I didn’t know it bothered you that much.

W: It really does. It’s something that I see every day and it’s really distracting. I love to make spaces comfortable and esthetically pleasing and it’s hard when there’s stuff pilled-up that I don’t know when it will get cleaned off or taken care of.

H: I don’t think I realized it bothered you that much or why it bothered you. I don’t really see all the things the way you see them and I hear that a clean space is really important to you.

W: It really is.

H: I will work on keeping it cleaned up and I really appreciate you risking talking to me about this even though you were scared. I love you very much!

W: I love you too honey! Thank you so much for your response and help.

And they lived happily ever after and the dresser never ever ever got messy again. Except for that one time later and another after that….

 BUT… they were able to handle it with self-examination, responsibility-taking and empathic communication.

The development of intimacy in our relationships is not simply about meeting one another’s needs. One-ness in intimate relationships gives each person a deeper sense of self, while together completing something of the image of God in all areas of life. One-ness requires intentional work, maturity and mutual growth but the payoff is potentially a legacy of healthy relationships for generations to come.

Bob and Polly Hamp are authors speakers and helpers of the human race. Together they own Think Differently Academy and Think Differently Counseling and have helped thousands of people with their writing, trainings and teachings. Bob is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and Polly is a Licensed Master Practitioner of NLP and Think Differently Coach. Coming together from different backgrounds, they have found a common focus in recognizing the healing power of healthy relationships, and a meaningful spiritual life based on scripture. Together they have six grown kids, a growing brood of amazing grandkids and a pack of Corgis. For more on their amazing trainings, visit Website: TDACAD.com