The Power to Change
I’m thrilled to continue our series of guest writers this month with Chrissy Stergos, LPC. I’ve had the privilege of serving alongside and doing life with Chrissy for more than two decades. Her passion to help people heal and grow is nothing short of inspirational. In her article, we will find some valuable tips and teachings on how we are literally designed for healing and how we can capitalize on how we’re created for change and growth in our lives. You’re going to enjoy her approach to a challenging subject and walk away with some helpful and practical ways to implement the information into your life. If you find it helpful, please be sure to pass it along!
I recently sat with a client* who was, at almost 40-year-old, finally pausing to reflect on his life experiences. He was generally doing okay, but noticing enough disconnects in his relationships to begin to consider what role he might be playing in the dynamics. As we sat and talked, he struggled a bit to put words to what he was experiencing. I turned and reached into my desk, pulling out a tool I use frequently. I handed him the multi-colored laminated disk called a feelings wheel, designed to help a client learn the language of emotions. As he examined it, turning it around in his hands and testing out the lists of specific, increasingly precise emotions, trying them on to see if they fit his particular situation, he asked, “Why should I do this? It seems like really hard work. Why should I suddenly start paying attention to all of this? Does it really matter? Haven’t I been doing just fine as I am?”
The truth is, he was struggling in his relationships. His spouse felt unseen, unheard, and dismissed by his short, sometimes harsh responses to her. She felt emotionally shutdown whenever she inadvertently bumped against a weak spot in his painstakingly constructed protective shell.
And it wasn’t just her. His defensiveness impeded work relationships and friendships, and he felt distant from his children. These were some of the things that had brought him to my office.
“I don’t know,” I said, “What do you think? How are you doing?”
My client isn’t unusual. Relatively few of us are taught as children the language of our emotions or what to do with them. We often are praised for our mental toughness and abilities to power through when facing difficulties. But our emotions are God-given “indicator lights” on our psychological dashboards, letting us know what we need and providing the drive to go after it. Ignoring our emotions is like ignoring our “low fuel” light. We may be able to run for a while, but we will eventually have trouble.
In essence, what I was challenging my client to do was to learn a new language – a new way of thinking and being for himself, but also, of communicating and connecting better to benefit his relationships. This requires a particular set of skills and the intentional application of those skills. It IS hard work to change the way we think, but this is the first step toward changing the way we live and love.
Dr. Caroline Leaf confirms this in her book Switch On Your Brain. “As we think, we change the physical nature of our brain. As we consciously direct our thinking, we can wire out toxic patterns of thinking and replace them with healthy thoughts,” She writes.
And healthy thoughts lead us to healthier actions.
Miraculous, am I right? I entered the field of therapy because I love people. I see such good in them. But also, we can do some damage, can’t we? Our parents, and their parents before them, and so on… all transferred a legacy of beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors to their children, weighty but messy inheritances consisting of good and bad and neutral, right and wrong, healthy and sick. As children, we grow up feeling as if we have no choice but to accept and carry on with what we are given. So that’s what we do. We pick up the load and carry it.
While there is likely much that is good in what you inherited, none of us emerge completely unscathed by our experiences. We develop patterns of survival in childhood, some serving us well throughout life, some becoming maladaptive in our adult years. Mostly, we don’t recognize them until they begin to interfere with our lives. Our families of origin (FOO, as I like to call them) leave an imprint on us, but it is not indelible. And when we recognize (sometimes with the help of a friend, a therapist, or the Holy Spirit) a pattern that needs change, we are not condemned to it. I think this is what scripture refers to when we read that we are to “take every thought captive” (2 Cor. 10:5) or “be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2).
We are not designed for the destructive impact of sin. As my friend Gina Birkemeier says in her book, Generations Deep, we don’t have a “trauma box” in our brains. We don’t naturally store trauma well, and trauma does damage as it bounces around our psyches, unrestrained and demanding attention. It doesn’t take much to see its effects play out emotionally, physically, spiritually, and relationally. And while we are not designed for trauma, I believe that God – in His infinite wisdom – foresaw the potential need for healing and designed us with the capacity to do so.
And so, we can change. The science of psychotherapy is based around that singular concept. There have been no small number of theories and techniques developed for application to this very issue. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Eye-movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Somatic Therapy, Talk Therapy, Positive Psychology, Motivational Interview, and so on. All are aimed at changing established negative or harmful patterns for newer, healthier practices. All of these can be effective strategies, dependent on the client’s needs.
We CAN change, but it’s not easy. We must first see the problem. We usually need to seek help – typically someone who helps guide us to an alternative way. It takes dedication, energy, time, and repetition to change established thought and behavioral patterns.
Consider the neural pathways (connections between the neurons, or nerve cells) of your brain. They are like well-worn trails in the road maps of our brains that guide our thoughts and behaviors. As we use these pathways, they are reinforced, eventually becoming deeply etched into the landscape of our brains.
When we want to change, we must create a new pathway. But remember, the old trail is easier, well-worn and we know the way. The new territory looks like an overgrown field – full of brambles and burrs and resistance. But as we force our way through the resistance, we begin to establish a new trail. It is hard at first, but as we continue, we begin to clear the way, packing down the dirt, clearing out the weeds… and with each time we repeat, there is less resistance. It becomes slowly, gradually easier.
Meanwhile our old trail is beginning to weaken, becoming less used, disappearing into the overgrowth (using our analogy) and eventually becoming only a faded memory.
In my experience as a mental health practitioner, regardless of the therapeutic technique chosen, the best first step (after recognition) in addressing problematic thoughts leading to unwanted behaviors is to learn how to slow things down.
“The best first step . . . is to . . . slow things down.”
As it happens, our brains love patterns. We are wired for efficiency, and when we establish a pattern, our response no longer requires the same level of cognitive thought but instead becomes more reflexive. And so, when something works, we store that information and begin to incorporate the associated successful behaviors automatically. For instance, ifI learned as a child that submission and quiet were the way to survive conflict, and if that strategy was successful in protecting me, my reflexive response to conflict might become automatic submission, no questions asked. It worked in my childhood, so my brain understands the strategy to be the best means of survival, adopting it as reflexive.
The problem occurs when the pattern no longer serves my emotional health or growth. As an adult woman, I may need to assert myself or voice an opinion, even at the risk of conflict. I might need to speak up, to defend, to warn. Conflicts or disagreements in adulthood are better resolved when both parties participate in healthy discourse.
What if you learned as a child that tantrums and temper garnered t attention and ultimately, your needs were met. Have you experienced an adult who leans on those unhealthy strategies to coerce others into acquiescence? Not a pretty sight in a child, much less an adult. And though we may recognize our patterns as unhealthy or unproductive, we typically need help finding the strategies required to implement change.
So how do we slow things down?
Here are a few really important next steps for you:
SLEEP
In general, we need to develop a rhythm of rest. Our brains are optimized by rest – at night, when we sleep, but also throughout our days. We live in a culture of urgency where everything can feel rushed and multi-tasking is a highly valued “skill” (which by the way, research tells us that no one really does this well). We need brief respites during our days – small breaks to rest our brains, move our bodies, and reflect on our experiences. We need good uninterrupted sleep – seven-plus hours a night, ideally and more for children. Sleep provides the opportunity for our brains to do the hard work of processing and storing the experiences of our day. During sleep, our brains are flushed of toxins that build up throughout the day. Sleep is when we recharge, reset, and recalibrate.
We need longer periods of rest interspersed throughout our weeks, too. Historically, religious practices have emphasized a full twenty-four hours of rest weekly – in Judaism and Christianity, a sabbath. Our Designer knows what we need and wrote it into His plan for us.
Rest is the beginning of slowing things down in order to be more intentional with how we live.
How are you doing with this? How could you begin to better incorporate rest into your rhythms?
MINDFULNESS
Additionally, there are some ways to take back control over your brain’s autonomic responses. Mindfulness meditation and grounding are excellent tools for this. With mindfulness, we pause to intentionally train our attention toward a mental state of calm concentration and positive emotions. We slow and control our breathing, oxygenating our brains and purposefully capturing our thoughts without judgement. With repetition and practice, mindfulness meditation helps us to train our brains away from impulsive actions and reactions to a more aware and thoughtful way of being. Psychology researchers have found strong evidence that “the practice of mindfulness makes us less likely to react with negative thoughts or unhelpful emotional reactions in times of stress.” (article)
What about grounding? Grounding is a sub-category of mindfulness. These are exercises you can do to bring yourself into awareness of the present moment – the here and now. For this we can use brief strategies to employ our senses (sight, hearing, smell, touch, taste), bringing our awareness to our present physical state. The most basic techniques include: a) intentionally choosing an object or action to direct our attention toward; b)mentally scanning the body; c) focusing on your breath and breathing; d) engaging in a small task that requires our attention; and/or? e) using our senses to create an increased awareness of external stimuli.
The resulting experience and acknowledgement of our own well-being in the here and now effectively mitigates our need to act quickly or impulsively, again, slowing our responses. As we pause, we are more able to clearly see a situation for what it truly is, allowing us to change the previously established pattern to something more appropriate for our current season of life – a new way forward.
Benefits of Slowing Things Down
As we slow things down, we are able to see and challenge our old patterns with new direction – being transformed by the renewing of our minds.
As we slow things down, we enable ourselves to choose healthier alternatives by which to move forward – taking every thought captive.
As we slow things down, we will notice our lives and relationships improving.
As we slow things down, we step into the rhythms of rest and growth and connection for which we are designed.
We notice more. We respond better. We listen to understand. We become a better version of ourselves - for ourselves and in our relationships. We live better and love better.
Change IS hard work. And it’s possible. And it is worth it.
*Client has given permission to share.
With twenty-plus years of experience as a pastor and licensed counselor, Chrissy Stergos is also co-founder of a non-profit organization, A Seat at the Table. There she partners with her husband (Bob) in helping to meet the needs of at-risk young people transitioning into adulthood. As a practicing therapist, Chrissy’s clients include a wide variety of people, including individuals, couples, and families. In addition to counseling, Chrissy is available for speaking engagements, consulting, and conversation. To schedule, contact her at christine.stergos@gmail.com.