Finding Freedom in Forgiveness: A Guide for the Grieving Heart

For the past several months, we've had the opportunity to hear some wisdom from a variety of people in the field of mental health. It has been a joy to introduce you to individuals in my life who are making a difference in the world, pointing people to healing and freedom through faith and therapy.

When these sages have asked me about perimeters for writing their articles, I've tried to leave it loose- asking that they engage you from a personal, professional, and practical perspective. I do this because I believe that vulnerability invites vulnerability and that having their professional voice speaking to us is extremely important. I ask them to leave us with the practical because, after all, what good is the wisdom and the personal story if we don't have a "what now" to help us move into action?

I can tell you that this month, as you hear from my friend and colleague, Dr. Michelle Caulk, you will find all of that and more. Among many other things, she is the co-author of the book Healing Out Loud: How to Embrace God's Love When You Don't Like Yourself, with Sandi Brown, Founder and Director of St. Louis' most listen-ed to Christian music radio station, JOYFM 99.1. “Healing Out Loud” captures many of the insecurities the modern woman faces in her walk with Christ.

Without any further delay, let's dive into Dr. Caulk's graceful and compassionate take on a subject that can be difficult to navigate. Forgiveness.

I know you will find her article valuable, so when you do- please consider passing it on!

When It’s Not Done: Forgiving After Death

She sat in the chair, arms crossed, and replied resolutely: “What’s the point? What’s done is done.”

Shrugging, she continued: “Even if what he did was so bad, I can’t go back and get an apology from him. And it’s not like we can reconcile once I’ve forgiven him. So why should I forgive him?”

Her words resonated deeply with me. After my father died, I struggled with similar reasonings and questions. In every child-parent relationship, there are many opportunities for hurts and woundings, and ours was no different than the average. Why should I forgive his short temper that caused hurtful words to pierce my heart as a child? Did I need to forgive him for dying at 68 years old when he was seemingly healthy, leaving my mom to be alone in the last decades of her life? Rationally, I knew the answer (counselors usually do, but we can struggle just as much with enacting it). Yes, it was time to forgive. Even after his death. Especially after his death.

Unforgiveness can significantly get in the way of our grief integration. Grief integration is the process of learning to live within the bereavement of losing a loved one (or even a complicated-relationship one). A grief integration process is not denying the offense or hurt that the deceased loved one caused, but it is also not allowing it to take over your natural, good work of grieving.

Giving up repayment in any form is forgiveness. If we can come to the point that we can give up “being repaid” for the wrong done, that is a form of forgiveness. The possibility of being repaid after death is, of course, a fallacy. But it emphasizes even more that the work of forgiveness is for us, for our own healing and moving-through-grief process.

Before we can begin to answer the questions of “Why should I forgive?” and “What’s the point when they’re no longer here?”, we should first unpack the common myths around forgiveness. As you read these, check off the statements that you have heard or believed yourself, and then we will mirror them with some truths of forgiveness.

Myths of Forgiveness:

Myth: Forgiveness is a feeling. It is a decision, followed by an action. If we merely “felt” like forgiving, we probably never would.
Myth: Forgiveness is a weakness. While it may feel vulnerable, a lot of strength is required to acknowledge pain, declare it, and forgive it.
Myth: Forgiveness excuses the wrong. It doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. It also does not let them off the “hook” for the offense.
Myth: The goal of forgiveness is reconciliation. Reconciling may sometimes follow forgiveness, but we can forgive another without keeping the relationship. Or having an existing relationship, in the case of death.
Myth: Forgiveness is a transaction. We could be waiting a long time for an apology (and, of course, it will never come if the person has died). Forgiveness is not based on an exchange.
Myth: Forgiveness is about changing the other person. When someone dies, they can no longer change, of course. Forgiveness is about releasing you towards how God is working in your heart, actions, thoughts, and relationships going forward.
Myth: Forgiveness is about rewriting the past. Forgiveness accepts and addresses the past but focuses on the future. It looks toward a future of healing and hope.

What are some myths that you have heard or hold about forgiveness?

Truths of Forgiveness:

Truth: Forgiveness is a decision; it does not naturally occur. When you really forgive someone, you are deciding to release, embrace, pardon, and grow.
Truth: Forgiveness releases stress. One of the major benefits of forgiveness is releasing stress. Grieving has been described as one of the most stressful cognitive, physical, emotional, and spiritual experiences of the human experience. In addition to the normal stressors of grieving, chronic feelings of anger and resentment trigger cortisol, the stress hormone.
Truth: Forgiveness is about releasing resentment and bitterness. Forgiveness releases us from the cycle of revisiting the injustice of the offense. When we no longer focus on vengeance, resentment, or bitterness, the amygdala (the part of the brain responsible for emotions) calms down. Forgiveness allows more “feel-good” neurochemicals (oxytocin and endorphins) to take the place of resentment and bitterness.
Truth: Forgiveness makes us healthy. Long-term states of unforgiveness have been tied to an increased risk of cardiovascular disease, depression, anxiety, and prolonged or complex grief. Forgiveness may play a significant role in maintaining our overall health.

What are some truths that you have heard or hold about forgiveness?

A Model Toward Forgiveness

Christians believe that forgiveness has divine origins and that the experience of love in a fallen world requires forgiveness. Forgiveness, therefore, quite possibly cannot be understood correctly apart from love. To fully receive the gift of God’s love, we need to also forgive the hurts and abuses that have been committed against us. Unfortunately, if we harbor a lack of forgiveness, it can be an obstacle to receiving God’s grace and mercy. It can also cause a barrier in our current relationships, particularly when we are carrying a weight of resentment or bitterness. What we can do is ask God to soften our hearts and place within them the desire to forgive.

Dr. Everett Worthington is a prominent psychologist and researcher, known for his extensive work on forgiveness. Understanding and utilizing Dr. Worthington’s REACH Forgiveness Model can provide a structure within which we can truly forgive. I have adapted it slightly for our purpose in walking through forgiveness following the death of a loved one and added helpful activities and guiding Scriptures that align with each step.

REACH Forgiveness Model

Recall the Hurt (R)

The crucial starting point that helps us gain a clear understanding of what needs to be forgiven, along with the painful and emotional memories associated with the offense. In grief, it can be normal to place the loved one on a pedestal, desiring only to talk about the best qualities or think about him or her exclusively in a positive way, for fear of dishonoring them. However, forgiveness requires the active and honest recall of the pain that was inflicted on you.

Related Activity: Write a letter to your loved one describing the offense(s). Describe the spiritual, emotional, and mental impact that the offense (s) had. Ask God to bring to mind what needs to be forgiven and ask for His presence to be with you as you feel the weight and pain of the offense.

Guiding Scripture: Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered: “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” – Matthew 18:21-22

Empathize with the Offender (E)

This is perhaps the most challenging step, yet it remains a key element. Empathizing does not mean that you are validating the wrong. It encourages us to see the situation from the offender’s perspective, understand their motives, and consider what factors were present that contributed to their actions. Ask God to help you see the person through His lens. We are equally created in the image of God, and equally vulnerable to hurting one another due to the brokenness of the world.

Related Activity: At this step, it may also be helpful to talk with a trusted family member or friend who may have more background or perspective on your loved one than you do, particularly because you can no longer seek this understanding from him or her.

Guiding Scripture: Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against one another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. – Colossians 3: 12-14

Altruistic Gift of Forgiveness (A)

This is the decision point, involving the act of extending forgiveness, even when they may not deserve it. It is described as “altruistic” (typically thought of as a selfless act for another) and an act of generosity and compassion. However, I believe that it is also an act of great generosity and compassion towards oneself, as resentment and bitterness are released, and peace may be present.

Related Activity: Write a letter to 1) your loved one offering forgiveness, and where appropriate, asking for their forgiveness; 2) yourself as you are acting in self-compassion and releasing difficult emotions. Before writing the letter, you may ask God to gently examine your areas of unforgiveness and ask for His help in this step.

Guiding Scripture: Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. – Ephesians 4:32

Commit to Forgive (C)

It’s easy to blow like an out-of-control kite in the wind when forgiving. It is normal to feel as if you’re taking steps forward one day, and then revisiting it the next. This step encourages a commitment to not bring up the offense or purposefully rekindle negative emotions.

Related Activity: Burn or bury the Recall the Hurt letter as a symbolic way of taking a definite step forward in leaving the offense behind. You may also ask for accountability from a trusted friend, family member, or counselor; if you find yourself revisiting the offense in a negative (rather than a neutral or peaceful) way, let them know.

Guiding Scripture: As far as the East is from the West, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. – Psalm 103:12

Hold onto Forgiveness (H)

Triggers, such as birthdays or death anniversaries, can deter us from complete forgiveness. However, this is a crucial step in maintaining forgiveness over time and integrating it fully into your grief process and your emotional, spiritual, and mental well-being.

Related Activity: Keep a Forgiveness Journal that can serve as a reminder of your commitment, and write down your thoughts, feelings, and progress in your forgiveness and grief journey. Incorporating a gratitude practice, such as writing or praying your thankfulness, and shift your focus from the offense and help you maintain forgiveness. You may also record positive memories or write specific thank-you notes to your loved one.

Guiding Scripture: You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. – Psalm 86:5

Walking through and maintaining forgiveness, especially when the person has died, is no simple task. As I walked through my grief integration process with a compassionate and skilled counselor, the burden of unforgiveness began to lift. In the place of the wounded heart of a child came a sense of peace – not only about the offenses but about the untimely and unexpected death of my father. How gracious of God.

Forgiveness takes time, prayer, and intention, and can often be a wash-rinse-repeat process. In more complex situations in which abuse and/or trauma has occurred, I recommend that you seek professional support. The key is to find strategies, activities, and trusted people that resonate with you and are in alignment with your experiences, values, and beliefs. With God’s help and Jesus’ example of forgiveness, however, it can have a significant impact on your grieving process and draw you closer to others, and to the good God who forgives us again and again.

Further Resources to Explore

“Forgive: Why Should I and How Can I?” by Timothy Keller

One of my absolute favorite authors, Keller speaks honestly and Scripturally about why forgiveness is both meaningful and incredibly difficult. He explains in detail further steps toward forgiveness without sacrificing justice or humanity.

"Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Theory and Application” by Everett L. Worthington Jr.

This book provides a comprehensive exploration of forgiveness from a psychological perspective, including its neurobiological aspects. It addresses in additional detail the REACH Model of Forgiveness.

"Forgiving What You Can't Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again" by Lysa TerKeurst

By Christian author Lysa TerKeurst, it’s an accessible book that provides insights into the forgiveness process, combining faith and practical advice.

"Total Forgiveness" by R.T. Kendall

R.T. Kendall, retired pastor of Westminster Chapel in the UK, explores the biblical principles of forgiveness and offers guidance on how to apply them in practical life.